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I Relapsed this AM…I Called A Woman ‘Nigger’…My ‘internal Racial Inferiority Anti-Black Feelings’ Reared Its Head…Thanks To 12 Steps To Recover From ‘ Internalized Racial Inferiority’

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24/7 I work to recover from the ‘racialized addictive thinking’ racism/white supremacy has taught me.

What triggered my relapse:  

A package was delivered to my house and for a 2nd time, stolen.  I went to Fedex and was told I could register online for their package management program and have my packages delivered directly to the store vs home, to forgo future thief. So, I tried to register but had difficulty getting the online program to work, so I went back to Fedex this morning for assistance.

The man who had advised me wasn’t on duty; the man who was, tried to help me? I wasn’t talking to the woman on duty, but she injected, “call the merchant.”  

Thinking about all the levels of voice instructions I’d encounter trying to get a live person on the phone, I said to her, “I can’t call every merchant every time I order something.”  She repeated, “call the merchant and tell them to change the address.”  I was getting angry now, I said, “if FedEx has a system that will allow me to do it online, why can’t I get instructions on how to use it?”  She said,” well, calling the merchant…”, I interrupted her and said, “Niggers shut people down” and stomped out.  

Wow!! I’m trying to get this done before I go to class because the package has already been resent; and I don’t want it delivered to my house again to be stolen; and this lady…wasn’t talking to her no way…she puttin’ in her 2c’s worth…blocking me from gettin’ the information I need.  

But…Wow! I called her a ‘N’…my ‘internalized racial inferiority- anti-Black’ feelings reared its negative head.    

Triggered by my anger…

Yeah, I was angry but I really felt badly, too…I hadn’t used that word in years…I relapsed…gave into ‘my internalized racial inferiority’.

I thought about it and as 12 Steps advises: Step 10 told me to “promptly admit” I was wrong and Step 8 told me to “make direct amends except when to do so would be injurious…so I went back to the Fedex store and said:

“Miss., I apologize.”  

And, she said, “I apologize, too.”